Another hell

Another hell

I know I need to be strong and make things ok for my children. Yet, within me, I am crumpling and feeling so helpless. Sometimes
I think God is merciless. I know, he is not, but yet I can't understand why he is allowing some of the things to continue to happen.

My marriage - not sure what I am holding on to.

It's so evident that he does not respect my feelings, and I don't seem to respect him either.

When we are having sex, it's nothing intimate. He gets what he wants regardless of how he does it, even if it makes me very resent of our physical time together, he would still continues to want it. I truly rather wish he had already found another woman to desire.

I can't get over this thought of what he had asked me one day
 
He asked me why I had allowed him to do the "act" to me in the past; after all, it wasn't like he had "forced" (pointing a gun or knife) me. It's a good question - Why? (I will eventually post letters which I had written to myself of events in the past)

Even at present, he may have stopped doing what he did, yet he would continuously do certain acts upon me knowing how much I despise it, just to SATISFY himself. It's all simply sex act - I don't feel closer, I don't feel intimate; in fact, I dread sex with him. If only, we can seperate our sex life from other areas, it will be much easier. I think I can accept him for who he is, if he could just take our sex life out of the equation.

Tonight, all I can do and endure by saying to myself over and over again. "Hell is eternal, but this will pass."

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Comments (1)

  1. shadowstarz

    I think you should recalibrate with your husband, and set some clear boundaries. You can’t set him up for failure by permitting him to do something – one minute, and then, disallowing him – the next. That sends mixed messages and I can guarantee you he’s at a loss as to why you’d give him that, whatever it was, and then take it away from him afterwards.
    .
    Um.You cannot and will not ever be ‘happily married’ with the way you expect to remove physical/ sexual contact from the marriage. If you do that, you’re setting a precedence that stipulates you no longer care and love him. That’s absurd and totally unreasonable. If you’re not willing to pleasure him then why ? Therein, lies your answer.

    September 19, 2016