Cold heart

Spent 3 hours in the bedroom, then he began to talk about wife submitting to husband.   He said it is God's word, not his.  

I said understandably and true; however, I expressed that due to the  past circumstances, that It is difficult for me whenever he tells me to submit. It is something that I will have to work it out in my relationship with God and my faith.  
Then he used the scripture to make references about how we can't choose what we can or not do in regards to submission, for quite lengthy time. That's not the point for me. I am not rejecting what the bible says; just that ...unfortunately, I have little faith in him right now.   The truth is that I may have forgiven him for what had happened between us, but I can't forget.  He got rather flustered with me, I guess, and began to  bring up a list of names that had done him wrong in the past, and how he had forgiven them and had put it behind him, as well as written letter to each one of them that he had forgiven them; yet, I sensed the anger rising as he spoke.  Therefore, I said something like, "See, you don't forget it either." He got out of bed,  rather mad, and told me how I hate God, and I hate him, and I will go straight to hell.
20 minutes later, I came downstairs, he then said to me that he had tried to resolve our marriage, but failed; therefore, he is done with me.  I picked up my iPad, and he began making remarks about social media, "go straight to social media".  Funny, I was simply picking my iPad up to write my thoughts. Then, he began to assassinate my character - how I am not being a good wife and mother. Well, I am not going to argue with him - whether it be true or not.  So many times, he would say that I am attacking him; yet, oftentimes,  I have to correct him, that he was twisting my words - putting words in my mouth.
After all said, he declared how faithful he is to God's word and that everyday he lives by faith alone.   I have nothing more to say.
Yes, I am not a good wife over the years - sadly resulted from my resentment towards him for so long.  I don't hate him, but whenever something said or done which would trigger the emotion, my heart hardened.  I should not perhaps, blame him for the failure in our relationship. Nevertheless, it has been BROKEN, since the days of "submission".  We both have baggages and wounds that are being festered. Anytime, we try to talk through it, it seems to only create a deeper wound.  
He told me that I needed to go find myself another man and also stated that is what I want all along.  My heart is simply stone cold at this moment. 

 Ok....I shall tell him that I love him and have forgiven him. I will then hold him, tell him that we will put our past grievances behind, and that we will always be together...Stop...but, I am not able to say that I will submit to him. That's what he really wants from me. He wants me to obey him, and to do whatever he tells me to do without doubting him, to have faith in him.  The more he pressed on this issue, the  harder it is for me to want to. I know... I am stubborn, prideful, and perhaps I will go straight to HELL like he said.


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