I am not sure what kind of Christian I am anymore. Even as I believe there is a God, my faith seems shallow. I want to believe in all the good, but my spirit is broken. My heart is filled with resentments toward him, a feeling that I do not ever harbor with anyone else. How can it be? We have been married for 28 years!
Anytime, I hear the words like "submit submission obey obedience" coming from him in any fashion or way, there's a tight squeeze in my chest, and I feel sick to my stomach.
Just saw this quote:
"The reason she doesn't submit to you is because she doesn't trust your ability to lead her."
God, I want to surrender to your will, yet I feel that it will mean becoming spineless again. However, here I am still giving in to him, even if I feel defiled. His sex desires does not make me feel love, but used.
Why, why am I giving in to him, why am I allowing him to be a bully? What's wrong with me. Is it because I think he may potentially be a ticking bomb, and can possibly explode. For what reason should I even think that way? He hasn't done any harm to anyone. Well, he has a lot of issues with the people in his life. For example, his deceased mom, his deceased sister, his brother, co-workers and bosses, constantly changing jobs, and it's always someone else's fault. I know that it will most certainly devastate him, if I ever to leave him. In some way, I know he loves me.
Hmmm.....It is so much easier to forgive him, if he would stop....
My husband and I have barely spoken to each other for the past week (not uncommon these days), and I am avoiding him, because I dread for him to seek out sex with me. He is going to want it, and I will give in (reluctantly) as always.
Ha! Just as I am typing, It is 2:11 p.m. He just came over to the dining room and said, "This is the time to go upstairs."
Well, he got what wanted.
I cringed whenever he tells me how gorgeous I am. I avoided eye contact because I do not wish to look at a man that have no respect for me or my body.
He has me physically, but not emotionally.