Spineless Me

I am not sure what kind of Christian I am anymore.  Even as I believe there is a God, my faith seems shallow.   I want to believe in all the good, but my spirit is broken.  My heart is filled with resentments toward him, a feeling that I do not ever harbor with anyone else. How can it be? We have been married for 28 years! 

Anytime, I hear the words like "submit submission obey obedience" coming from him in any fashion or way, there's a tight squeeze in my chest, and I feel sick to my stomach. 
Just saw this quote:
"The reason she doesn't submit to you is because she doesn't trust your ability to lead her."
God, I want to surrender to your will, yet I feel that it will mean becoming spineless again.  However, here I am still giving in to him, even if I feel defiled.  His sex desires does not make me feel love, but used. 
Why, why am I giving in to him, why am I allowing him to be a bully? What's wrong with me.  Is it because I think he may potentially be a ticking bomb, and can possibly explode. For what reason should I even think that way? He hasn't done any harm to anyone.  Well, he has a lot of issues with the people in his life.  For example, his deceased mom, his deceased sister, his brother, co-workers and bosses, constantly changing jobs, and it's always someone else's fault. I know that it will most certainly  devastate him, if I ever to leave him.  In some way, I know he loves me. 
Hmmm.....It is so much easier to forgive him, if he would stop....
My husband and I have barely spoken to each other for the past week (not uncommon these days), and I am avoiding him, because I dread for him to seek out sex with me.  He is going to want it, and I will give in (reluctantly) as always.
Ha! Just as I am typing, It is 2:11 p.m. He just came over to the dining room and said, "This is the time to go upstairs."
Well, he got what wanted.  
I cringed whenever he tells me how gorgeous I am. I avoided eye contact because I do not wish to look at a man that have no respect for me or my body.
He has me physically, but not emotionally.
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Comments (2)

  1. shadowstarz

    If you give into him out of marital obligation & duty, then sadly, that is not love. You are no longer ‘in love’ with your husband IF you’ve settled for the mediocre and mundane associated with loving out of obligation.
    Marital sex, in my eyes, is limitless. However, sufficient boundaries need to be established, particularly if you’re carrying resentment as baggage in the relationship. Submission, is a beautiful thing to share with your husband.
    Communication is key to unveiling his underlying desires that make you feel used. He’s your husband, and he has a right to know how you’re feeling to implement strategies to remedy the emotional breakdown that you’re experiencing but not sharing with him.
    If by chance, you’re still ‘in love’ with your husband, in all his entirety, you shouldn’t be struggling with allowing him to have explicit access to your body but it has to be therapeutic or enlightening for you to.
    Perhaps, you should talk to him about where you’re at, both psychologically & emotionally because if you don’t, you will only suffer in silence.
    28 years is an awful long time to walk away from when you realise that nothing is going to change, unless you talk to him. Your sexuality as a married couple should grow and emerge, always for the wellbeing and healthy balance of both.
    Please, don’t shut him down and make him feel as if he’s worthless. The way to get around this is by negotiating the way he plays with you and the way in which you submit to him, and most importantly, the aftercare strategies he’s willing to implement to nourish you holistically; emotionally & psychologically.
    Tell him, your aftercare needs because he’s not a mind reader. He could percieve you as enjoying the way he pleasures you, and makes you submit without being aware of how you truly feel.
    Submission, is a gift more than a rite. You have to feel that way by default, otherwise, you’ll drown in your own disappointment & resentment and he’ll end up eating elsewhere. So. Learn how to feed him your sexuality, until he no longer seeks you out to take what he wants, and do it on your own terms.
    28 years is an awful long time to have not established any clear boundaries to operate within. Marital sex should be bliss, and just like a lotus flower, you should be open to blossoming underneath his will. It seems as though you struggle with that basic concept. Which makes me wonder whether or not you’re still in love with your man.
    Bless… and take care !

    September 19, 2016
  2. philiforate

    Thank you Shadowstarz for your feedback, and counsel. I really appreciate your view point, and know that there are few things you stated that I can learn from. However, I haven’t yet reveal all that went on between us over the years. Honestly, I am not sure if the feeling of love exist in my heart for him, but I do care about him. The word submission had been shoved down my throat in many occasions, that I must submit to him. Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that it is not a bad thing for the wife to be submissive and be a helpmeet to her husband, but it has to be a conviction within her heart, not ordered by her man. Talks, we had our share of talks – one moment it will be all good and then it will revert to something else. Marital sex is limitless, you may be right. But, is it healthy to constantly fantasize having a 3rd party, or some form of homosexual appetite that I am not comfortable, and so on?
    You may not be able to sympathize with my feelings, but the psychological impact from the past of what he had done to me, in the name of submission, is still painful. It seems like his sexual appetite continuously takes form in ways that I did not anticipate when I married him. I would rather that he has found himself another woman, and still wish upon that. I know it sounds ridiculous on my part, since many women would love a faithful man.
    I understand as a wife that I should not deprive him of his sexual moment, and I don’t ever. However, sad to say, I have too much hang ups that I could not give more than my body. He told it that it was ok, and that I totally satisfy him just as I am. No doubt, I know I am a selfish woman with too much pride as well. Anyway, I will not disregard your words and will careful consider how I can go about changing me, and to overcome my shortcomings. May God give me the strength, humility and wisdom each day to become a better wife and person. Truly, thank you.

    September 20, 2016